Normally i avoid political postings but i really wanted to post something on this. i'm still trying to wrap my head around the issue and hopefully writing this will help me sift through my own feelings on it
A few days back my brother posted something on his facebook wall that sparked a conflict between us. It was an article to young voters that indicated they were naive if they voted for liberal candidates and as they grew older they would see the error of their ways. i posted a short reply to it with my own words of wisdom to young voters: learn about the issues, review voting histories of the politician and not blindly trust in any political promises. At the end of my reply i indicated that no one should take an article to heart that calls someone naive for voting their conscience. Apparently that opened the door for my brother to follow up with a half-page long post indicating that liberal voters are not only naive but also brainless. It included supporting references to at least a half dozen issues some of which i knew were not entirely accurate. Needless to say i was surprised at my brother so i posted another short, polite reply disagreeing with him on his points about liberals. i included a reminder that it is conservatives that are blocking Daddy and i from getting married in this country. i thought that simple reminder would be enough to close out the conversation and we could go back to keeping our politics private. i learned long ago as a gay man not to engage my deeply religious brother in political discussions if i wanted to maintain peace in our family. A day later my dear brother posts another message indicating among other things that "no one is preventing me and my partner from getting married." (What fantasy world is he living in??) He also reiterated that liberals are naive and that gays are looking for special rights in this country. He also let me know what a tightrope he walks to keep the family peace while both respecting my lifestyle and maintaining his own religious beliefs. He said all of this very politely with the sure conviction that he was right and everyone else was wrong. That's when the brotherly gloves started to come off. i posted a very restrained response under the circumstances. i let him know what liberals are not naive or brainless simply because they do not agree with him. i let him know i found his words offensive and that he needs to respect the opinions of others. i also let him know that anytime he wanted to discuss same sex marriage in person i would welcome the opportunity but i was not going to discuss it over facebook. i let him know that i considered the thread to be closed and would not reply again. He actually did another reply! i ignored that one.
So now the conflict. i love my brother but i also think he is a bit of an ass-hat. This is not the first time he has let his religious beliefs guide him into an area i have trouble respecting. He actually declined to come to my commitment ceremony because his minister told him it would be acknowledging & supporting my gay relationship which is against their church teachings. i never let him know how much that decision disappointed me. My own brother would not attend the most important day of my life due to religious objections. i actually find that i respect his wife more than i respect him. She is that type of deeply religious soul that is so sweet and kind you never want to see her hurt. In the years i have know her, i have never heard her say a single unkind word about anyone. i know that she believes in her religion deeply but has never done or said anything hurtful to Daddy or i about being gay. i suspect she is the only reason why my brother is even trying to be nice to the man i love. So, what is my solution to the conflict? i keep thinking i could launch a fiery reply to his last message telling him where he could insert his beliefs. As satisfying as i think that would be, i recognize the irony of my disrespecting his beliefs and i know all it would do is cause more drama in the family. So, i'm just staying quiet and forcing the argument to go away. But, my solution makes me feel like i'm being a coward for not standing up for my own beliefs. Sure, i called him on how offensive his words were and i let him know i disagreed with him. Should i be doing more or should i just force the confrontation to go away and keep the peace?
What about you, the readers? Have you run into this in your family? How did you handle it?
First of all, don't feel like a coward for trying to keep the peace. It's the most sensible thing to do really.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I am quite upset to read that your brother didn't want to come to your commitment ceremony. To me, it looks like he values his own religious beliefs (and also how his religious community judges him) more than his relationship with you. That's awful. If this happened to me, I would've let him know that in my heart, I no longer consider him my brother but will still talk to him to keep the peace in the family. So in a way you're a better person than me!
I've never had anything like you describe happen to me. I think living in a (fairly) liberal country - where even most conservatives no longer care about and have long accepted things like gay marriage and abortion - definitely helps! Not just that, but I think if a family member truly loves you, they should be able to put aside any reservations they might have if they see that you're happy with your significant other. That's the meaning of family, right? A unit that might have differences amongst its members but in the end still acts as a unit and values each member. (that may be a bit naive of me, but still :p )
We all have to make our own decisions regarding political/moral disagreements with family members.
ReplyDeleteThat said, for me, there is a huge difference between being polite in situations where the family meets and actually having a relationship with a family member whose political and moral views are in such conflict with my own that it becomes an immoral act for me to simply try to pretend they do not believe as they do.
If one supports marriage equality, can one reasonably have an honest relationship with a family member who actively works to deny equality despite their familial involvement with a gay sibling?
If one abhors the death penalty, can one reasonably have an honest relationship with a family member who is an executioner by profession but a great uncle to your kids?
If one opposes racial discrimination, can one reasonably have an honest relationship with a family member who is a bigot and engages in subtle, purposeful discrimination?
If one opposes discrimination against the LGBT community, can one reasonably have an honest relationship with a family member who considers members of that community an abomination because of who they are?
I can't and I cannot understand those who can.
I see being family as being more than simply "putting aside any reservations" they may have about you because of your sexual orientation. How can someone like that "truly" love you if they negate and disdain who you actually are?